A Long Day…

As I walked down the alley way leading to my 3  story apartment building, I couldn’t help but wonder would i make it to the door. There had been a series of crimes in my neighborhood lately involving women. One unsuspecting jogger had been attacked in broad daylight. Though she fought her attacker off, that didn’t make it any less scarier. As I made a right out of the alleyway to walk 2 blocks to my building that sits on the corner of Massachusetts Ave, I ran smack into a a homeless guy. It startled me more because of my previous thoughts, and I figured I had spoke it into existence.

” Ahhhh!” I screamed like I was in a horror flick

“Ahhhh!” He screamed also

Not only was his smell horrifying but to look at his clothes and know that i had come in touch contact with them made my stomach turn.

“My God”  I said to my self more than to him

“My God” he copied me

I stepped to the right and tried to go around him, he did the same exact thing.

“Excuse me sir” I said irritated

“Excuse me sir” he said

For maybe a half second i looked at him in disbelief, then i realized that I was in fact in downtown DC. Where there was a high rate of homeless people lining the streets.

I stepped to the left and he did also.

This was getting freaky, it was just me and him face to face and i couldn’t seem to find a way out. In these type of situations, he could be crazy as a bat, or he could be harmless.

I stepped to the left and quickly diverted back to the right losing him,

“Creep” i said to myself

He spun around and spat “creep!” and walked off.

My day had been filled with clouds and rain (literally, it was raining), nonstop working, a run in my stockings, I came on my period, no lunch, and my boyfriend of 2 years says he needs space. I couldn’t help but think to myself, all the space is in your head you moron. Last but not least the homeless guy. I let out a deep sigh, What else could possibly go wrong in the next 5 minutes while trying to make it to my building’s doorstep. Before the thought was complete and had set itself up in my mind, I saw it. One of the meanest looking, drooling, woman eating dogs i have ever  seen in my life. This was absolutely not happening.

I look up at the sky and ask “Really God?”

He barks, I’m frozen. He starts to run towards me, I jump on a car that was directly to my left. Screaming for help, wondering where the owner was. The alarm on the car sounds. This is absolutely not happening. The dog barks and growls at me as if saying in his own words  “Come down from there!”

I sat on the car still trembling and breathing heavy.

“Hey, get off my car!” a guy yelled from a house on the block before my building

“Do you see this animal!” I yelled back

He looks at the dog and back at me.

“Goddammit!” he scrams as he slams the door

Just then a I heard someone whistle “Bronx, come here”

I turned quickly to see a handsome young guy standing there in basketball shorts and a tank top. To make things even more humiliating he was sooooo hot. The dog quickly forgot about me and ran to the owner.

“I’m sorry, he must have gotten out without me knowing” He said with apologetic eyes

I climbed down from the car as he attached a leash to the dog’s collar.

“You should really pay more attention to your animal, he’s not exactly the most friendly” I spat as I rushed pass him toward my building

“I’m Roman” he yelled at my back

“Good to know, I’m a frightened woman” I yelled back over my shoulder

I approached my building and pulled out my security device and scanned it. There must have been some invisible cloud, like in the cartoons following me around all day. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I mean who actually experiences all of this in one single day. I unlocked my door and slammed it behind me clicking the locks. I stood there for a minute with my back resting against the door. My phone rang, and at this point I didn’t care who it was. I let it ring. What a day it had been. I thought about Bronx and Roman. Under different circumstances Roman would have been a nice piece of eye candy. I kicked off my shoes and flopped down on my couch. Just then I noticed it, a envelope that had been slid under my door. Nothing on the front nothing on the back ,this was weird. I pick it up and head back to the couch. I open it and read it. This was absolutely not happening….

To Be continued……

Hello Again….

I have been dealing with a SERIOUS case of writers block. I’ve chosen to fast from everything that could potentially be a distraction from writing. I have 2 novels that I have been working on that I have yet to finish or put a dent in for that matter. No matter how far and long I’m away from writing, Home is where the heart is. It does something for me that no other pleasures have done. I saw a quote online that read” Writing is the only thing that when i do it, I don’t feel like I should be doing something else.” So true for me. “Yes!!!” is what i said aloud to myself, it summed me up in one sentence. How can you love doing something  so much, yet drift so far from it with no association for long periods of time? I wonder… anyways I”m on my way back… Ill be updating soon, with a short story..

To be continued…..

The Kid In Us….

So many of us adults walk around and are still kids. The  harbored pain guilt and shame from our childhood seems to always ease its ugly head up in our present life. No matter how good we may feel at a certain time or day. Its always bound to pay us another visit. Most of us operate out of this child without even noticing. Others its as if we are new born babies crying, screaming at the top of our lungs. I have learned and still learning on my journey how to recognize these instances where those emotions that were contrived as the young me try to surface.  As real as they may seem and feel like they are apart of you, they are not. They are just that emotions , emotions that we have carried for years as if they are valuable. The enemy devised a plan long ago against you and started to strategically plant those emotions in your life. Taking  experiences, some may even be horrifying and taking a negative emotion that relates to that experience and planting it. Day in and day out, planting it. Year after year planting it. Until you take it on as your own. The enemy is good at making things appear to be real , but always turning out to be false. We may have indeed experienced many things that coincide with these emotions or rather validate them, but its all apart of the plan.  To make it seem a certain way.  The real you will always fight against the old you. Never really having a chance to blossom to your full potential. The emotions are not valid , they are not you, they are not your portion, they are just…emotions. Emotions change with the wind. We cannot rely on these to guide us through life, being a foundation for our souls. We need something much more sturdy and dependable. The truth.

~Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” john 8:32

Love Lost

When I think about love I think of commitment

No period but a comma cause a love sentence doesn’t end

Love endures through the tough and grimy

Why am I chasing you to love me?

Could it be my soul longs for the feeling thats closest to love

But doesn’t have the same foundation and eventually leaves me entangled in lust

I knew one day I would experience you truly, but somehow I fooled myself into believing this was it.

Abandoning the determination not to quit

Until…it was mine.

Love i’ve been searching for you and others came damn close

But i know when we meet, it’ll be a reunion up close.

Cause somewhere along the way we lost touch

We disconnected, abandoned each other, but I miss you so much

And though it feels good to entertain your counterparts

I need the real thing, giving and kind, I’m protecting my heart

Love I’m not perfect, but you are

Sometimes I mess up in trying to portray who you are

I wanna know you again like when we first met

We belong together like rain and wet.

I have found….

I have found that its not always what you say but what you do that matters the most.

I have found that time will pass anyway so we might as well enjoy life.

I have found that trials and tribulation make you strong, and we surface on the other side of this deep end displaying a new strength.

I have found that most people have been hurt and at some point in our different lives, we have faced the same thing.

I have found that I was not always the victim, and have also inflicted pain.

I have found that I cannot do anything without the help of God.

I have found that I thought of myself higher than what I should have and needed humbling.

I have found that everyone just wants to be loved, but not everyone is open to receive that love.

I have found that I deserve the same love, effort and happiness I try to give others, and I am so worthy.

I have found that life is but a moment, and we will all soon return to which we came from.

I have found that the opinions of people really don’t matter.

Out of all the things I found, the most valuable besides God was finding me. I embrace my dislikes, I discover my likes and freely become me. I found Tenisha.

 

The Love Story….

As I recall the day that changed my life, I can’t help the tears of joy as they stream down my cheeks. The Coffee Station is where it all started with me arriving for my second shift as a waitress, I walked to the back greeted by my regulars Mr. Thomas and Mr. Dudley. Both widowed old men whose lives seemed to revolve around their daily meeting there, and me to reciting their usual two black coffee’s, one cheese danish, one slice of  apple pie. They got a kick out of it every time, I think I got a kick out of how amused they were at it. As I removed my knee length pea coat, striped scarf and glove set, I noticed how cold it really was outside. I had heard all about the weather in Chicago, but my mind could have never prepared me for a winter here. Somehow the grey skies and cold brisk air brought me comfort, which I could credit to being a winter baby. As I enter the front end to get ready to serve Mr. Thomas and Mr. Dudley, I noticed him and he noticed me. At that moment I felt like I was drawn in by his dark smooth skin, perfect white teeth as he smiled at Toni his waitress and my good friend. All I had noticed in the two minutes stare I could have easily been recruited by the FBI. There was something about him that I just couldn’t put my finger on. Was it his freshly cut hair with the perfect shape up? Or his muscular jaw bone that defined his face so well he could have easily been plastered on the pages of my favorite fashion magazine. As Toni walked towards the back of the shop I followed on her heels like a hot pursuit chase.

“How come you always end up with the gorgeous customers huh”? I joked with her

“What? Girl I said nothing when 1 year ago you snatched up the duo Mr. Thomas and Mr. Dudley,  how much more gorgeous can you get”?

I looked at her with a straight face to show I did not appreciate the humor. I admired how she herself kept a straight face also.

“Really, that guy is fine” I said

“That he is” she replied , “Seems like someone is interested”

“It’s just a compliment, don’t get any ideas” I said

“Well if I were single, honey I would be laying across the table as his entre”

We both laughed and headed back out.

As I tried to act as normal as I could while having small talk with my two regulars, I couldn’t help but keep a shot’s view of this mystery man. Again I thought, it’s something about him that is equivalent to magnet and metal that was drawing me to him. It wasn’t just his looks, I had witnessed some fine men in my day, but was something I couldn’t define, something that makes me feel foolish almost. As Toni walked over to him, and they began conversing and looking in my direction I couldn’t help but wonder in how many ways I would kill her later for selling me out. She walked away and I refilled the drinks at two of my tables and decided to check on my two favorites at the bar. Nothing could have compared me for what happened next. He stood to leave. First placing money for the check on the table and followed by a tip. I knew I had once again let my imagination get the best of me. In a matter of minutes I had decided that we were meant to be together and I was now brought back to reality. As he headed for the direction of the door, he made an unexpected turn towards the direction I happened to be in, which also was the way to the bathroom. As he walked toward me and the bathroom, our eyes locked and I glanced over the red Ralph Lauren collar shirt that complimented his dark skin too well. Then something else happened; he sat right in front of me on a stool, next to my two favorites. My chest tightened and I felt like my mouth had been open for hours judging by the sudden feel of complete dryness once I closed it. He smiled, I smiled. As normal as I tried to act it was no use, I had been catapulted straight up in the air and landed on cloud nine.

“Hello” he spoke, his voice as manly and perfect as I had imagined.

“Hi” I manage to let escape form my mouth as I tried to nonchalantly wipe the counter down

“How can I help you”?

“Well you could start by telling me your name” he answered. I had definitely reached cloud ten by then. And as my two favorites tried to act as if they weren’t listening, I responded “Farrah”.

“You look like a Farrah” he said

“And what does a Farrah look like”?

“Beautiful” he answered

My insides melted right there on the spot, and as far as I was concerned I was his. It wasn’t the things he said but the way they made me feel. They felt like, the truth, which is very rare with men nowadays. He was so genuine.

“Thanks” I replied as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say next.

“Not much fair for you to know my name and not tell me yours”

“It’s  Ethan” he said

“Well nice to meet you Ethan”

“The pleasure is all mine, I sat over there admiring you long enough until I had the courage to come and say hello”

Now this was getting serious, I don’t know how much more of this I could take before I burst into a million pieces.

“That’s nice of you” I said through a nervous laugh.

“ I have a question for you” he said “and I’d like you to answer as honestly as possible”

My mind raced and wondered what he was going to ask me, but something in me calmed and a sense of peace overcame me.

So I answered “ok”

“Do you feel what I’m feeling inside?” He asked

I was silent. He couldn’t be referring to the butterflies that went about fluttering in my stomach. Or the short loss of breath I had experienced earlier and let’s not forget the medal and magnet. This type of thing just wasn’t normal. He would think I was crazy if I admitted these things to him. But then that same peace overcame me again, and I trusted him also I trusted to tell the truth. That it was okay, as strange as that may sound.

“Maybe” I responded

“So you do feel that it’s more than a physical attraction, like I could be the one or that feeling of peace that would help you freely give your heart to me with total trust”?

This just does not happen. What is going on? Am I dreaming? I closed my eyes briefly as if I would blink and he would be gone. Nope, when I opened them those brown eyes resting under perfectly shaped eyebrows was still there staring at me anticipating an answer.

“This is crazy, I don’t know how to answer that”. This isn’t normal I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me”. I said

“I completely understand and agree with that, but my heart tells me otherwise” “I would like to get to know you the conventional way, even though I feel like everything I need to know about you I already do”.

I had been having a conversation with him for all of 10 minutes and it felt like 10 hours. Totally disregarding that I was at work, in an apron, my curly mane hanging to my shoulders and minimal makeup. Yet still I was okay, and obviously he liked it.

I had forgotten about my tables and even my two favorites who seemed to be anticipating my response right along with him. I felt like time had stood still, and it was just the two of us as his eyes gave me a sincere but confident stare. Had I experienced only what I had seen in movies, what only a handful of people can say they had encountered, was it love at first sight?

“So where do we go from here”? I asked

“How about we start with exchanging numbers” he said

I scribbled my number down on my note pad used for taking orders, shocking myself at how quickly I responded. I ripped the page from my note pad and handed it to him.

“May I”? He asked, referring to my note pad and pen. I gave both to him more willing than he knows. He wrote his down and handed them back to me.

“So when can I expect to hear from you Ethan”? I asked, and regretted thinking I sounded to needy and anxious.

“Sooner than you think Farrah” “Maybe we can meet up for dinner later”? he asked

“Sounds good to me”

“Well I’ve taken up enough of your time at work, maybe I should get going, so I’ll see you later”?

No. Don’t go is what I was thinking but gave the obvious response “Sure can’t wait”.

And not before giving one last smile while a flashing those pearly whites, he was out the door.

“Looks like you got yourself a winner on your hands there young lady” said Mr. Thomas

“I would say so too” said Mr. Dudley

And they both laughed as if it were the funniest thing in the world. I smiled trying to hide the excitement.

“He’s alright” I replied and walked to the back.

I had to process what had just happened. I think I met the man of my dreams; it all seemed too good to be true though. I was not acting in some romance film and I certainly wasn’t one of the lucky ones considering my past relationships. Maybe I was overthinking things. No, because he said he felt the same way didn’t he? My mind was racing again as I put the lid down on the toilet and sat. Whatever he had done to me in that short time I hope I had done the same to him. Judging by the feeling inside and as much as I wanted it to go away, I had to admit it felt good, like I had known him for years, like he had known me also, it felt a lot like, love…….

 

That was 10 years ago and now me and Ethan are happily married. We did meet up that night for dinner and from there we just knew. We knew that what we felt was something that neither one of us had experienced before, we knew that after meeting it was no way we could let each other go. We knew that, that day in the coffee shop was set aside and arranged before we had entered the world. If someone had told me this story I would have thought they were crazy. I never believed in love at first sight, until I had the chance to experience it. I now realize why my relationships in the past never worked, because the man that I love and would love me the same had not yet arrived. I thank God everyday as I wake up to make his breakfast and get the kids off to school, for the love he has placed in my life. Only love so perfect could come from a perfect God.

 

 

 

“The Day Church Healed Me”

It had been years since I had stepped foot in a church.  To be totally honest I didn’t miss it either. As the greeters gave me their best hug and smile and I made my way down the aisle towards the usher holding 1 finger up, I swallowed hard. Made my way to my seat “There, you made it” I said in to no one in particular. “You’re here, are you satisfied?”

 

I watched as the praise and worship leader encouraged everyone to stand to their feet and worship God, But I chose instead to stay seated. The fact that the only reason I was there was because my mom hounded me about getting back into church, brought on just a smidgen of guilt. I listened to the words of the song. “How great is our God”, “Sing with me how great is our God”,

“All will see how great, how great is our God”. I started to think over all the things I had been through this year, the divorce, losing friends, barely keeping my head above water financially, and taking on the role of mom and dad of my darling little one. It was in examining these things that I remembered praying to God to give me strength to handle all  that life had dumped off into my lap. Praying had always been apart of my life, almost like it was an automatic reaction to whatever opposition I faced. Not because I was the best Christian in the world but because its just what I knew to do, passed down from generation to generation in my family, we prayed. Coming back to reality I remembered that I was in church and tuned back into the words of the song,

“Your the name above all names”, ‘You are worthy of our praise”, I  realized I had tears in my eyes.

 

My my my, had God answered my prayers and Got me through those tough times. As much as I wanted to believe otherwise, I knew God had heard my cry for help. Even though wanting to keep the baggage I had carried all these years with me as if,they held some of my most prized possessions, I felt a nudge to let go. The possessions in that luggage in fact didn’t belong to me, almost like I was carrying around stolen goods, and God wanted me to give them back. The fear of failure and rejection, was not mine. The feeling of inadequacy didn’t belong to me. The heavy feeling of defeat in fact did not belong to me. Thrown in were a few extras, guilt, resentment, and bitterness. All of those things had been given to me by a thief and I was holding on to them and not realizing that I was in possession of something that could inevitably get me into lots of trouble. Though this luggage was heavy and depressing, it also became my comfort, a place of familiarity, somewhere I felt i belonged.

 

“If you’ve got a reason to praise God, if he has done anything in your life, stand to your feet and give him some PRAISE!!!” The worship leader yelled into the mic.

 

It was like my body was on automatic, because I surprised myself as I stood to my feet. Feeling very awkward, wanting to clap but afraid someone was watching, wanting to lift my hands but not wanting to seem vulnerable, even wanting to scream out, but just couldn’t imagine exposing my worship before these people. Although as I scanned the crowd, those very things were what people were doing, crying out before their God, laying it all out there with hands lifted to the sky accompanied by saturating praise.

 

I wondered what could all of the people have been through, because my story alone was enough to bring someone to their knees. It amazed me that through all they and I had been through it brought us to the same place, under the same God, expressing gratitude. As I stood, hands rested on the back of the chair in front of me, a tear rolled down my cheek. Had I missed this place? Was I here because of my Mom? or was there a longing so strong inside that I could no longer push aside, that needed to feel such an atmosphere? Whichever, at that moment I was grateful, I was there. I saw the ushers walking up and down the aisle holding boxes of tissues, and I raised a hand to signal him, that I needed one. The more i wiped the more they seemed to fall. In the midst of tears streaming down my face, was an overwhelming sense of peace and joy, that I could not explain if I tried. Not like the tears that over the years had stained my pillow, and contributed to me carrying around stolen goods. Certainly not the tears I tasted as I exited the courtroom after being awarded a divorce from the man  I gave my heart and soul to, and whom I believed I would grow old with. Most definitely not anything like the tears that carried pain that shot through my whole body as I lay in bed at night and cry, cry over my life, over my child, and over my future. These tears felt good. The praise team sang, and as they sang, people continued to praise. More tissues were passed around, and I wiped away. There was an undeniable presence of God in that place.

 

Soon those familiar feelings started to return, from long ago when I attended church. The comfort and peace it brought. The notion that you had been given another chance and your slate had been wiped clean. Like you could leave that place and heal the world, and take on anything life had thrown your way. Yeah, that was the feeling I missed. Despite that I tried to make myself believe it, I wasn’t there because of my mom, or to make myself feel better. I was there because long ago, God had a plan for my life, and even in this very moment was a manifestation of that plan. That all the things I had encountered good or bad, had led me to this place. This place of peace, a place where I can meet God at his feet and pour out my heart and in return, he gives my soul what it needs. A place where I let go of those stolen goods, and finally free myself from looking over my shoulder in relation to holding on to something that didn’t belong to me. I was ready to drop that load I was carrying. I needed to drop it. At a train station, the last call goes out for passengers to board the train, this was my last call, and God was yelling into my spirit “All Aboard”, but this train won’t hold that luggage you’re carrying, its too much of a fee. Once you board this train you will find everything you need. Let’s start fresh, relocating in your soul like you would in the natural leaving all your possession you once carried everywhere you moved, and  getting all new things. No longer did I need those things, and no longer were they comfort. My comfort had been found in a new place, where I knew deep down in my soul it was the real deal.

 

As the praise team wrapped up the song, my soul actually longed for more , and apparently so did everyone around me also. The congregation continued in loud cries, and worship, even at that point the praise team had joined in and had abandoned the song. My God was it powerful in there.

That was 2 years ago to be exact and I remember it like it was yesterday, because that was the day that God reminded me of who I was and whose I was. He reminded me that he was with me all the time, those long nights where I cried myself to sleep, he was there. I am so grateful for that day, and for his plan. Despite what I endured, it all worked for my good. Even walking into church with the attitude that I possessed he still saw my heart. God is awesome yes he is. Now I stand at the door and watch My new fiance’ as he throws my son the ball and they bond. Both enjoying each others company so much so, they don’t even notice me. Such a beautiful sight to see as I turn around and head to the kitchen to make lunch, humming “How great is our God”.

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